Advice from Beyond
by HanaTohruShipperMorgan
Summary: [[Challengefic]] Kyou needs help. [Parody]


Disclaimer: don't own, don't sue.

Note: This was a challenge from Chloe in my forums. I wasn't going to post it at first because I really, really hated it, but she said she liked it. That's why you can read this and be utterly confused by my insanity. Please enjoy!

* * *

Kyou was half-certain he was going crazy. 

_Come on, I'm sure it'll work!_

The pale -- very pale indeed, so pale you could see the door behind him -- but rather chummy man leaned over Kyou, an encouraging smile on his face.

_I used to be the Cat. Locked me up! Ah, that wasn't fun. Now, you see, we've all gotten together because -- even though we aren't technically allowed to -- we're going to help you get out of it._

Yes, Kyou was half-certain he was going crazy.

"Shut up!" he snapped at the man. And the class went silent. The ex-Cat -- he'd been born before the joys of westernized education had been brought to Japan, obviously -- looked at him pleadingly.

Kyou decided he really didn't want to go to detention.

_Oh, please, won't you at least try it?_

Kyou jumped out the window. It didn't work.

_You were supposed to flap your arms, dummy! Try again. From the roof! Yes, yes, that'll work. Go on now, don't you trust us?_

Kyou declined and went home, nursing his poor twisted ankle.

Hadn't they started out sanely enough? Try climbing over that wall, try sharpening your claws, try meditating under waterfalls and fighting bears.

Okay, maybe not fighting bears. Kyou hadn't wanted to.

After that, they'd suggested racing turtles and hares, switching to different religions, even going for a stint as a cat burglar. (He'd cursed too much and gotten caught, so that one was no good.)

And now they were telling him to jump out of windows. Why did he even bother listening?

Kyou sighed, then bit his lip. Most kids longed for high school to end so they could be free of school -- until college, at least -- and all its confinements. Akito just had a really twisted sense of humor.

Months passed, and the deadline approached alarmingly. Kyou started getting desperate. He'd met at least thirty ghost Cats in the past years, and not one had been able to help him yet. Maybe the next one could. It was his last day of freedom. He could feel the weight of doom pressing down on his shoulders.

...Or maybe that was just Kazuma's grandfather. He'd taken to tagging along with Kyou when he went to the dojo so he could play tricks on his grandson.

A new ex-Cat leapt gracefully from the trees, her pale red hair shimmering in a nonexistent breeze. She sauntered up to Kyou, looked him up and down coolly, and shrugged.

_Well, you could seduce the Rat._

Kyou hacked up a hairball and passed out.

**Three Hours Later**

Kazuma's grandfather. Again.

_Try it!_

"No!"

_Try it!_

"No!"

_Don't not never non-try it!_

"What?"

_That's a yes! Woohoo!_

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, what--"

_Spiritual bond. Can only be broken in case of death, love, or muffin truck. Consequences for not holding up your end of the bargain: priceless._

Kyou could have screamed, but chose to grin -- figuratively, of course -- and bear it. Three hours in a cage and half-crazy had turned into no-sanity.

He slowly stood and went to the door. He cleared his voice, then spoke.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?" demanded the guard, her voice suspicious.

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Why are you crying? I just want to get out through the door."

There was a moment of silence, then a jangling of chains, keys, and locks. Kyou prepared himself as the guard struggled with the door.

The guard opened the door, her angry reply dying on her lips.

"What the heck are you doing?"

Kyou did a pirouette, cartwheeled into the Electric Slide, and tap danced the guard into a tango. After a quick kiss on the lips and a hug, Kyou sprang -- in cat form -- onto the top of the door frame. He paused for a moment, listening, then scaled the wall sideways and slipped out the hole the woman had knocked into the wall as she ran from Kyou's horrible dance routine.

Taking a deep breath of air, Kyou howled as fiercely as a little orange ball of fury and fluff can--

Then got caught in the dog catcher's net.

**Three Days Later**

Yes, Kyou decided. He was certain that he had gone half-crazy. If he'd been half-certain he was going crazy, than maybe he'd have had a chance.

But being found naked in the pound was not something to be half-certain about.

**Owari**

**

* * *

**

...Don't kill me. That's all I ask.

Have a nice day!

Hana


End file.
